Lindorm Odinsson

I finally received contact from the hospital regarding my referral (Sent back in fucking October) and my assessment is now booked in late April.  I'm looking forward to working with a psychiatrist to learn what's wrong with me and seek the treatment needed to be better.  


This is the hardest thing I've ever faced.  I'm apparently really hard to love and this relationship isn't good for her anymore.  It's not just a relationship... it's a marriage.  We have children.  We have built a life together.  You don't run from something until you try and fix what's gone wrong. I don't feel that due process and considerations are being given to the overall situation.  But, maybe I'm wrong. I'm willing to be wrong.  

Is the potential future not worth trying?  
 

 I'm having a really hard time seeing the light.  But I know I have to try.  I have reasons to push forward.  I just never thought I'd have to do it without her.  

She deserves to be happy. She's not happy with me, so I'm holding her back from that happiness she seeks. I'm going to step aside and stop resisting.  The path of least resistance.  I don't have the strength to fight for someone who no longer wants me. 

I've got a direction that I need to go.  The pain of loss helps put into perspective what we had and teaches a new appreciation for what we have.  It's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  This pain has almost killed me twice. It cannot have a third opportunity, I must stay focused and keep telling myself it's OK.  

I still feel like I'm being abandoned and given up on.  I still feel lied to and played.  I still feel manipulated.  I'm dealing with my mental issues and my flaws, but I'm basically being told "it's too late" even though the root of the issues has been made apparent, I'm not worth the work/effort. What we've shared for the past 15 years is now disposable and that pain is something I've carried before so I'm familiar with that pain.  

I have my faults but I have to realize my promises, even if others cannot.  

I'm grateful for the support I have.  Without that support I would have already succumbed to that call to the otherside.  The pain here is so great, but I must endure.  

I use to say I don't have regrets, just lessons.  No.  I have regrets.  So many regrets.  My efforts will be focused where they can make their best impact and best chance of survival. 

The Lover: I have made the decision and have done the actions to separate myself from all other sexual relationships.  My beloved expressed a feeling that she was feeling replaced.  That's impossible to do.  There's no way she could ever be replaced. There were tears and the night was hard as I explained to my paramour that I was ending my sexual relationships outside of my marriage so that I can focus on repairing my family and myself.  

Last night my beloved laid with me and let me hold her and even replied that she loved me too.  I know she still loves me, but she's currently not in love with me.  I'm hoping that I can show her that I'm still worthy of that love.  We snuggled more this morning and the morning was nice and peaceful.  My heart is still heavy because of the uncertainty, but I am certain of my direction and of what I want.  I need to be giving her the space and time to process what's happening around us, and of course I find that hard because I want to fix it and make it all better.  But I know that cannot happen overnight and won't happen until work has been done. I want to make sure she's doing what she feels is right for her.  I know in my hear that our place is at each others' side, as partners. Us vs the World. My flaws are many and my faults are deep, but I will do better.   

 The King: Can I be a king without my queen?  I don't know if I want to try.  I know that I can't give up and I don't want to.  15 years we've been together.  We should be able to overcome this!  But why does she seem so reluctant to try? I fear that she has made up her mind and has already resigned to the separation, which tears at me deeply.  I find it hard to breath at times and I'm tired of breaking down into tears.  

I put out some resumes today.  I have an interview tomorrow.  It's not a career, but it'll bring some income in which will help.  I haven't touched my commissions since Saturday and I really should get back to them, but my motivation is in a strange and dark place.  Part of me wonders, wtf am I trying to hard for if she's giving up on me?  I've poured out my heart and soul to her, and her responses were of indifference.  It makes it harder trying to be vulnerable.  Am I wasting my energy and efforts?  Maybe.  But I cannot give up.  It's not in me.

The Warrior: Perseverance. The virtues are helping me keep focus on what matters.  I've continued my intermittent fasting.  It's been even easier with not having much of an appetite.  But I know that means my body is flooded with cortisol.  Not good for weight loss. 

The Mage: Death is my mother, I shall not want.  She guideth me through Life leading me to Peace without fear.  She preserveth my soul; She leadeth me upon the Path of Wisdom, in the Unknown Name. Yea though I walk through the land of Shades I fear not Death for Death is with me.  Thy Mantle and they Scythe comfort me.  Thou preparest a bounteous table before me in the presence of my enemies. Thou enshrouds my soul with Grace; my cup runneth over.  Verily, Lady, I shall follow thee all the days of my life and serve thee beyond and I shall be named Blessed, forever. 

The Lover: I feel broken and lost when I contemplate on my relationship with my wife.  I've borne my soul and poured out my heart.  She knows that I will always hold space for her and will love her.  I will suffer her. Omina vincit amor, et nos cedamus amori.  Love conquers all, Let us too surrender to love.  

I am thankful for the outpouring of support I have received from dear friends.  It has helps me to see there is still life after loss. I am also thankful for my other partners.  They have all been supportive and have offered comfort to me.  One serves my primal needs, one my spiritual, and the other has become my nurturer.  But I want my Cherry Blossom. I want my Goddess. I want my Queen. I need her. I hurt so much.  I do hope we can reconcile.  She's fortunately agreed to seek counseling with me.  While we are seeking to make sure we can end things amicably, I'm hoping with the guidance of the counselor and with love and an open heart, she will see that there's still life in our love.  

The King: Last week was a bit of a roller coaster for me. When I thought balance had been restored, more turmoil came crashing in.  From more than one side. It's been a trying week and weekend. But I have persevered. 

The Warrior: I only eat pussy outside of 12 - 8 pm. Hahahaha!  Kidding, kinda.  I've kept to my discipline with the exception of Friday night for D&D.  I allowed myself to snack until midnight. After that I returned back to the intermittent fasting. I've walked my son to school a few times and need to do more walking.  Maybe he and I will walk down to the library tomorrow. 

The Mage: The book club wasn't what I was expecting.  I've decided it's not where I need to be.  I need to work on creating what I want, and I will.  

The King: I've managed to stay productive and not sleep my days away.  This is a good step for me.  I've also been reconnecting with some friends in my neighbourhood. I'll be looking at doing some job preparation on the weekend. 

The Warrior: Day 4-5 of the intermittent fasting. I did some walking earlier today.  Took my son to school, then walking back with a friend and we went to Tim Horton's.  I allowed myself a coffee, 3 cream, 3 sugars. So a dirty fast, but I won't do that frequently. Gonna continue to try and walk more.

The Mage: *no comment*

The Lover: WTF.  OK, so that balance that I thought was coming, didn't. I'm not sure what happened. Apparently things weren't yet resolved.  I just want the communication to continue.  I need to know what she's feeling, she being my primary. Once I know what I can do to or am not doing I can take the steps to make those corrections. 

King: I'm still reeling from the news.  I want to be angry, but I know it's a wasted energy, so I'm just processing on being ok with it.  I was let go from a job that I thoroughly enjoyed. Part of me is crushed.  I really liked that job and I was looking forwards to building a career with that company.  It was big and tall clothes, I look good in the clothes and I sold them well.  I liked helping people to look good.  I have received a suggestion from an old mentor about another men's clothing store.  It's certainly something to consider.  I have also been told about a position with a cannabis production company.  I'm interested in learning more about that position as it's something else I am passionate about and I can learn a new skill or three.  One door closes, another opens.  I have to keep my head up.  I have some commissions I need to finish, so I will use this down time wisely.  

Warrior: what the fuck is happening?  I'm really fucking lost.  Discipline.... we need discipline. 

Mage:  I think I'm going to make it a daily ritual to review and recite the 9 Virtues. It will kelp to keep me focused on what I need to do and what strengths to call upon as new challenges are presented over the next coming days and weeks.  

The Nine Noble Virtues: 

1. Courage: "I will face my fears and defend my family and friends from all dangers." 
2. Discipline: "I will do what is necessary and right of my own accord, without threat or bribe." 
3. Fidelity: "I will be true to my friends, family, and kindred, and those to whom I pledge me service."
4. Honour: "I will stand by my oaths and honour my ancestors by keeping my name pure among kindred." 
   
5. Hospitality: "I will share hearth, food, and drink with my friends, my kindred, and with the weary traveler at my door." 
   
6. Industriousness: "I will take joy in labour and hold nothing back from I pledge to do." 
   
7. Perseverance: "I will press on against all odds until I meet my goals, my truth is finished, and I have done all I said I will do."
   
8. Self-Reliance: "I will learn skills and grow strong so that I may earn my way in the worked and be no burden to others." 
   
9. Truth: "I will seek the truth though it may be harsh. I will speak true words, and stand in silence and defend the truth from those who do not honor it."

Something that has come to my mind, is that this very well could be the blow back from playing with the strands of fate as well... If that is the case, then perhaps I need to be more careful with some of the thoughts.  Perhaps.  I'm not sure.  There is a part of me that feels this is unfair, but what good would it do to obsess?  

My Queen sent me her love languages.  They've changed a bit.  I am going to take mine again and see if I've changed at all.  

Well, I'm still where I was before I think.  I've had a hard day yesterday, and today while I enjoyed getting to see my Joyfriend and their family and sharing a dinner with them, I was hoping for some more support from my Queen.  I'm not suggesting she's done nothing.  She absolutely helped me prepare for the day and that's appreciated.  I guess I am just missing her affections. But maybe it's my fault for allowing certain things to be left unfinished or in the way and the frustrations she felt turned her off?  I'm not sure what to feel.  It hurts and it sucks a bit. I feel rejected and inadequate.  Perhaps my losing my job has played a part in this.  No longer the provider of financial security, once again a burden. 

I should try and get some sleep.  

 A New Year, what does that really mean?  It's just a passage of time.  Is it really anything to celebrate?  Traditions and superstitions, what do they even mean anymore?  

The King: I still like my job.  However, I am forced to work with a toxic, violent liar, that is convinced I stole from them, even thought I can show that I didn't.  I was assaulted at work by an individual.  What upsets me is that I feel if roles were reversed and I was the aggressor, I would have already lost my job.  I've learned from my co workers that this person runs her mouth about me and I'm not cool with this.  My anxiety is piqued around this individual and I have lost work due to the anxiety.  I'm hoping to get a resolution that works. 

The Warrior:  There's enough going on that the focus here has been disrupted. 

The Mage: I have been blessed with several people in my life are interested in opening up talks and discussions in working and studying the esoteric together.  Tomorrow my Joyfriend will be going through my books with me and other curiosities so that I can Marie Kondo this stuff.  On Monday I'm meeting with a friend who I am helping with driving practice and she has agreed to give me voice lessons.  On Monday she and I are also attending a pagan book club together.  It will be nice to meet some more local like-minded folk. 

The Lover: I'm still trying to find a balance with my paramour.  I don't know how open she truly is to me.  That being said, the dynamic we share does lack a certain depth.  I want more connection beyond the physical aspects.  I want my mind stimulated. I don't feel she engages me enough in conversation.  She often resorts to answering with a question, usually repeating what I just said.  I think she's trying to be cute, but it comes off a bit daft.  Thing with my NP are good.  I know there are times we both struggle with out individual vulnerability.  

 The King:  Work is going really well.  I enjoy working in retail, specifically in men's clothing.  I look good in the clothes and a majority of the customers love dealing with me. As with any job, there are certainly challenges. There are customers that are naturally difficult people, the entitled and the enraged.  But I'm typically able to recall my training and the things I've learned in a book.  I was able to get two friends hired where I work.  I'm a little concerned that it may be a mistake for one of them, but I'm going to try and navigate this with grace.  You see, this individual is my partner's meta now and there's some issues there.  I don't want these issues to affect our working, professional relationship. 

With Christmas coming finances are a bit of a stress, but I'm not feeling the stress the same way my partner is.  I know we're going to be OK. Financial fitness is a goal that we both want to work on.  

I've fallen very behind on my commissions, but I hope that once the holiday season is over my hours will be cut slightly to allow the time for me to focus on getting some things done.  Part of today will be dedicated to painting. 

The Warrior: Not much improvement has been made, but my partner and I have a plan to create a proper meal plan and do some meal prep today.  This is the first step to getting on track.  

The Mage: I've been keeping up with my Chess games and I want to start my Welsh lessons again, but I haven't been as committed as I should be.  There is a lot going on and the juggling act is at times discouraging, but I don't want to abandon my personal growth. I've also been connecting and reconnecting with Pagans. I'm hoping to find some people to practice with and to learn new things. 

The Lover: I've made a few connections, and only one connection has truly been intimate.  It's with a person I've been on and off with for the last few years.  The connection is good and meets certain needs, but I really want the spiritual connection that I continuously seek.  I've a few prospects and I'm just working on getting to know people.  I'm not trying to move too fast, and this is a little new for me, but I'm enjoying getting to know people. 

The King Today has been a productive day.  I got some things taken care of, oil change, corrected a banking error and settled up with the property management.  I started my new job yesterday in the men's clothing store.  The man who hired me got promoted so I only had the one shift with him, which is a shame because I got along with him really well.  I met some of the other employees and so far things seem pretty cool.  I really like being back and I'm thrilled about the discount we receive there.  Daddy is gonna get some new clothes! 

The Warrior I've been fighting a sinus infection and cough for the last little while.  It hasn't been the most pleasant, but the symptoms are manageable.  I can still function as a productive adult.  So I wouldn't say I'm sick or plagued... but I hope that doesn't come. Near my workplace is a gym in the same plaza.  I'm considering looking into it because if they have the equipment I would want to use it's somewhere to consider building my routine. I haven't forgotten my physical health and I will be taking it more seriously.  I'm learning that I don't need a side of fries or anything if getting a pita or sandwich from anywhere and water is what my body needs.  I can make some simple changes for now while adjusting to the new job and building on a routine.  Too much at once can be overwhelming.  So I'll start with my intake of food and choose to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body. 

The Mage I've continued with my chess games to keep my mind active on critical thinking and I've been considering tackling a short poem to memorize again.  Another thing is I'm looking at re-exploring Geomancy.  I've two fantastic books on the topic and recently joined a FB group for discussions.  Not surprisingly but a fortunate thing is my old mentor is a member of the group too.  It'll be nice to reconnect over this mutual interest.  He's also a linguist and he's been working on Welsh is well.  I think it's time to dedicate some time daily to those lessons again.  All part of looking at this routine. 

The Lover  My paramour and I are drifting.  It no longer hurts as the numbing has fully taken place.  I've expressed to her that the lack of reciprocity in the efforts we've both agreed upon has made me withdraw more and now I'm in protection mode.  If she wants it to end, all she has to do is say so.  I'll let her go.  I don't want it to end, but I don't want to keep doing this and being the only one putting in the efforts.  It doesn't help that the last two dates we had planned had to be canceled due to my being sick or lacking the spell-slots to leave the house to see her.  

My partner and I have been talking about our boundaries and I'm glad as I think we have a better perspective on what that means and looks like. She still wants me to limit to one paramour and I'm fine with this as long as I have a paramour who can meet my needs.  Honestly the paramour I have doesn't check many boxes on that front, so maybe it's best to move on.  I do have a coffee meet with a new friend this coming Monday.  She seems like a very good prospect for a relationship, but I want her to meet my partner first before I make that move.  Furthermore I want her to feel the same.  If she doesn't than at least I have a new friend!