lindorm | Recent Entries

The King: The tower is still needing some work, A few more boxes of things need to be alleviated from the apartment. Once this happens I feel like a level of balance I've been seeking will be restored. Fortunately my partner has offered to help with rent for the next while. So now I need to do what I can to earn income. The monies I was obtaining from the government during this pandemic has been a relief, but production cannot be what it was. Not yet. Not with the second wave coming. More disease and more death. More idiotic deniers of science. I am concerned of the world's political stage. I remember reading a book over a decade ago called "The Pagan Resurrection" that explores the notion of the Odinic Consciousness and how its power before was harvested and resulted in the two World Wars. Now the Odinic Consiousness stirs again, and too much is happening south of the Canadian Border for me to feel at ease. The sitting president is a fool and a puppet. He's a conman and has enough of the population fooled. This President has already set the notion that if he loses the election this year its fraud, but if he wins, it's 100% legit with no outside foreign influence. It's disgusting. He's even indicated he wants to negotiate a third term, that he feels entitled to it! It's completely unconstitutional, but his supporters rally at him.... Trump is the manifestation of what is wrong with America. He is the embodiment of all of the ugliness and divisiveness. If he loses the election I don't think he will leave willingly. I also think he'll call to his supporters to take up arms against the "Tyrannical Democrats" and a civil war ensues. Then while the U.S. are devouring themselves all foreign enemies from the Middle - Far east can have at. We do not have to invade the U.S. We will destroy you from within.

This doesn't bode well for the future generations of this Earth. I have a deep fear of what is to come. So many people are divided.

The Warrior: So, shit will be going down and I'm no where near physically prepared to deal with any real threat. I saw an article that gun and ammunition sales are sky rocketing in the states. I'm not far enough of the border to be concerned with some level of tension. As an American in Canada... I'm worried. I am slightly concerned for my family, but my parents have chosen which side of history they will be on. My brothers will need to be on their own.

The Mage: With the feeling of impending doom, I keep wanting to just enjoy life, the days left before the fall of everything. I've been pushing some creative energy into a game that I'm looking to run, bi-weekly. 4 of my players are in the US. So I'm sure they'll inform me from their perspective if shit starts going down.

The Lover: This part of my life I feel has reached a very interesting balance. I didn't expect this to happen, but I'm very, very happy. I'm not worried about using initials anymore. Melissa and Sarah have become an amazing duo. They've grown attracted and fond of one another and I've entered my first triad. This is something I always wanted but never thought it would happen. But it happened kind of organically. It's so nice to have two partners that I can share these experiences with! I just hope that I can keep the balance and make sure no one feels neglected. It's a lot of work, but I'm happy to do it for these two women.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Moltey Crue - To Young to Fall in Love

I haven't written lately. I should have, considering how much has happened over a couple of short weeks.

I'm no longer involved with V or H. I'm still np/primary with M. Fortunate for that last one, because I fucked. We had an agreement and boundaries were set, but I broke them. I hurt her and she did not deserve what I did to her. I feel like I was sabotaging that relationship as well. Almost like I was trying to be alone. I don't know what I was thinking but I know now that I regret what I did. I'm extremely grateful that she wants to continue our relationship and get past my betrayal. When I decided to end my relationships with V and H I also purged my social media. Went from 115 friends down to less than 50. I decided that I no longer want to give consideration and energy to the people who don't reciprocate it. I want a smaller amount of people to care about that will also care about me. I was able to reconnect with some friends that I estranged when shit went down a year ago. I've apologised for my behaviour and they've accepted me back.

About 9 months ago, someone new was introduced into my life. I knew when I met here then there was something about her. I wanted to know her more and we felt a kinship over many things. Over the months she had avoided getting involved with me romantically. I always thought she wasn't interested. Turns out it was quite the opposite. I'll call her Pookah. Pookah and I have started our romantic relationship and with my M, my Babygirl and Pookah, I honestly feel like I have two partners in my life that will help me be the best version of myself that I can be.

Dear J,

I am so sorry for the bitterness and ugliness I have shown you. You didn't deserve that. I spoke from pain and anger. So much has happened this year in such a little time and all of the uncertainties have me reeling. I don't want to carry the animosity and resentment beyond this life. I hated myself for losing you and I've been projecting that all onto you. I know I'm not innocent and I know that I fell short in my worthiness of you.

I want you to know that I want you to be happy. I want you to be well and have the nice things I couldn't do for you. All the pain aside, you have made me a better person through the years.

I wanted to find a song to help me heal. All the other songs I've used on past lovers have been angry... and I don't want that for this. That's not healing. I want to share these lyrics with you, because another poet and songwriter was able to put into words something that I struggled with. I don't expect you to suffer the twang by listening to it as the original artist is Garth Brooks:

The Dance

"Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance"

There was so much good. And I've thrown it all away. I tried to banish you, and my soul won't let me because you will forever be a part of me and I still love you. I just need to keep working through the pain. But I'm not going to lash out anymore and I'm sorry that I have.

Don't feel obligated to respond. I have no expectations of you. You don;t owe me anything. I just want what's best for you. I accept now that it is not me. I wish you peace, health, wealth, and happiness. You deserve it.

With love and adoration,

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: Garth Brooks - The Dance

I know that I have my faults. I know that I have toxic traits tbhat I need to work in. I guess it's beneficial to know where and how those toxic traits were formed. Some of the toxic traits developed after certain experiences happened.

I know that I can be better and do better. I've been going through my list of "friends" and realizing some "friends" wanted to be friends because J and I were a couple. We're not a couple anymore so some people don't feel the same friendship towards me.

I don't know what or who I need around me anymore. I'll be watching carefully.

There are times I just want to pack a bag or 3 and just disappear. I've no where in mind that I would go. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I was looking at school, but I dragged my feet to much and will need to wait at least another semester. The logistics of it all was overwhelming at this time anyways. Maybe I'll need to wait until M finishes with her course and placement. I will have to wait and see.

I go through some rough patches. I know that I'm still battling depression. I also feel overwhelmed with the state of my home. I worked hard to get it to a certain point. Invititing M and her animals has certainly made the chores more of a challenge. M will need to focus on unpacking her stuff and finding homes for everything. It's hard to get stuff done with things everywhere, but she's making efforts. I know she struggles with a form of her own executive dysfunction. I honestly think she's also paying a sleep debt. She also has sleep apnea like me, and she didn't have a mask for some time. So there was no way she was getting enough rest.

I've started to have dreams about J. Not bad dreams, but she's in them. I find that I'm not as angry as I was, which I find is progress. I don't want to hate her. But I did give her the most vulnerable version of me and she destryoed me.

But I want to make peace.

Current Mood: blah

It’s all about her.

“It’s all about me,” she said, with a wink and playful smile.

“It’s all about you,” I dutifully responded, seduced by her guile.

The manipulations, accused and denied, she bought her time with sentimental vow

Presented ultimatums disguised as compromise, for us to build a better life, but how?

It’s all about her; her wants, her needs, wherever she may have them met

By whom she wishes. No holds barred, be it agreed upon rules or boundaries set.

It’s all about her; her plans, her family, her friends, and her time.

My faith and identity sacrificed, I strived to give her all that was mine.

It’s all about her; my health, my family, my dreams, my goals I set to help us achieve

A shared dream of a home and bigger family, she said I was worthy and had me believe.

It’s all about her; her ruse, her lies, the tears she cried, she did not care,

Blaming the toll of my mental health and the challenges I brought to bear.

It’s all about her; her pain, her fears, her plans and life that no longer had me considered.

She left me in my anguish, in my grief, and despair and wonders why I’m so embittered

It’s all about her; the anger and hate, the resentment I try and fail to bury. I want it all to go.

I want to heal, forgive, move on, to try and keep an open heart, even while damaged so.

I feel like her vows should have been, "I promise to be faithful and with you, unless it inconveniences me, I find someone better, you make me unhappy because you get sick, or you die, whichever happens first." Would have been far more honest.

I'm still dealing with a lot of anger and I'm not sure how to process it. I'm trying to think of the words to start... She used me and mainpulated me in ways that make my jaw drop. She made promises and borke them, gave ultimatums and snatched away my family. She practiced double standards and even had me recite a mantra "It's All About Her". Huh.... I think I know where to start.

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: hum of the AC

King: Working on preparing to move my princess in. Preparing the home, getting rid on non-essential crap. Making room for her belongings.

Warrior: My weight has gone down. I'm trying to remember to eat twice a day. Other than that I'm trying to increase my water intake.

Mage: I've been talking with other practitioneers. Mostly new. I've been helping them a bit along their quest. Thing is that I am of the left hand path. Not everyone can get on board with that. I've submitted an inquiry to the local college regarding continuing my education. I'm still waiting to hear back.

Lover: M has been trying to reconcile with my relationship with V. She has admitted that she is very jealous. I'm trying to do what I can to offer reassurances and making adjustments to try and make it easier, but I'm not sure how well that's working. I love her. I don't want to lose her.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: 2nd ed D&D group

King: I've handed the financials over to my primary partner, M. She has a talent for building an maintaining a budget. This will be one less stress. We will also be forming a chore chart. I've offered to do the Dishes, Floors, Bathroom, and Livingroom/Table areas, if she would do the laundry, the litter, and the stairwell. This iseems to be agreeable for the time being. We will build our charts and weekly cleaning routines. I enjoy having a more organized and clean home. Soon she will be moving her things over and out cohabitation will be complete. Last Month I've been trying this ecercise to list three things I was grateful for, for 21 days. By day 19, I felt I had run out of things to be grateful for. I guess I need to learn to find more blessings than I can see.

Warrior: I had the opportunity to spend some time away on vacation. I took a break from every day connection, unplugged. No T.V., no FB, no messenger, no phone, except to contact people for plans and to talk to my son. The get away with M was very rejuvinating and I enjoyed that adventure with her. Upon our return I had to ask someone who was taking advantage of her to stop and he felt it necessary for it to come to violence. I've gotta say, the soreness of the muscles and the bruises made me feel... alive. That rush isn't something I've had in some time. This makes me more interested in pursuing weight trainging and getting myself into a desired weight class. I wish to pursue a combat sport. May look at Wing Chun. My waistline feels smaller. I'll know more when I go to the hospital for a minor procedure tomorrow.

Mage: Got a lot of gaming done on the trip. Just some small table games with my beloved but I really enjoyed the one on one time with M. I've sent an inquiry into the local college for information regarding what my best options will be for pursuing a career. Bachelor's in Therapy is one interest. Another is the game design course. I have a passion for both. That's why I will explore my options with an advisor before moving forward. I've recently joined a roup of online pagans who like to talk a lot, but I don't see a lot of wisdom being spread. I'm along for the fun of it at the moment, but Lughnasagh is coming. Will be time to worship again. It lands on a Saturday that I have my children. Perhaps I can look at something to include my eldest. If she is interedted of course. I believe M is and this makes me smile.

Lover: I'm holding on to so much anger towards my ex, J. I'm so angry at so many things with her. I think I may have to write it out in a more artistic way. Might be a good outlet, because I've lashed out at her in anger. I'm sorry that I did it and said some mean things, but I reacted to some shitty things she had said to me. But I cannot apologize until I've processed the anger, as I'm likely going to lash out again and I want the apology to be sincere. Things with V are going well. We are able to stay in touch and keep involved where we can. It's nice, but I know it takes a toll on M. I don't expect compersion. I know she's trying her best and for that I admire her. I will continue to be patient and understanding with M while she processes living and loving someone like me. I know it's not easy, but she tries so hard. I want it to work with M and she speaks to a side of me no one else does and I love her for it.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: FFDP - When the Seasons Change

The King: I've agreed to cohabit with M and she will be my primary and nesting partner. This decision makes sense for many reasons. To some it may seem quick, but the compatibility has been real. J was able to have herself removed from the lease with no penalty or change to my lease. I feel that the property management was hoping to harass me out of my home with constant, arbitrary issues. The apartment I have is quite affordable in today's market. They could likely get twice as much for this place, so I'm not willing to relinquish it. M is good with managing money. So I'm hoping we can save together to accomplish some dreams.

I had the pleasure of having both of my children here for Father's Day. M went above and beyond and made sure we had a great day together and for that I am extremely grateful. I honestly cannot recall a father's day in recent years where I felt honoured by my partner. The efforts were are all noticed and welcomed. I feel extremely lucky to have her in my life. Both of my kids like her too, so that's a huge plus for us all.

The Warrior: I need to become more active, but my motivation is sucked out by the humidity and heat. Furthermore I have some discomfort that might be from sitting around too long. I really should try and do something. Sedintary is not an option. But I do think my depression has come through a bit. Part of that is on me because I didn't take my medication for 2 days in a row. I forgot and was going onto the third day. I've since corrected this and will be more deligent.

The Mage: The Summer Solstice has come and gone. I got to connect with V for a few days recently and I've got to say I enjoy how her energy feels. The energy I've been sharing with M has also been quite profound and intense. I enjoy these spiritual connections. I need to do more to challenge my mind. V loaned me a book and I one to her. Perhaps I should start reading. I need to make studying part my my weekly or even daily routine. I must start learning again before the dreams return. My shrine to the goddesses of death is coming together interestingly. I had initially planned to only obtain a statue to Santisima Muerte but a shope that V took me to during our visit has a statue of the Morrigan. I also have found one of Hel, its a wood carved statue. I may ask M if I can make the purchase. It's on Etsy, so I don't know if it's one of a kind... if it is, that's something to consider. The one of the Morrigan can likely be located or ordered again.

My new friend and hopefully familiar Jorm seems to be adjusting well.

The Lover: My relationship with H has been heavily and adversley affected by the current pandemic. I try to give them their distance as I know sentiment is something that will trigger certain emotions that they're trying to surpress.

I still think about S and how she's doing. I know the baby is supposed to be due. However she told me she wanted me out of her life if I didn't want to continue a sexual relationship with her. She also wanted to be a single parent, so out of respect for her I will keep my distance. She knows how to contact me if she needs to speak with me.

I had a lovely visit with V. I'm glad she and I had a chance to make such a solid connection and share the time together. I really hope she and I get to do at least one more visit before the summer ends. However with M becoming a live in S.O. our options will be limited to a hotel room, or Air B&B unless it were to be timed with an event when M was away. Things to discuss and negotiate.

N has become more of a snuggle partner. Snuggle, sensual caress, some kissing. Very similar to what H and I have. I'm ok with this. She feels like she's let me down, but this isn't all about sex. I realize this and I'm ok with this. I don't feel let down. My sexual desires are met.

Thing with M are going exremely well. I know she's trying her hardest to be ok with my poly lifestlye. While I wanted to avoid this situation of Heriarchial polyamory, it's a compromise I'm willing to make for M's reassurance. Considering she's poly-lite, a play partner with N, otherwise she says she only wants me so is mono-flexible? Are there terms for these things?

Current Mood: awake

I'm clearly on a self destructive path. J had conveniently forgotten my birthday so that she didn't have my son call me for my birthday. Just another inconsideration to add to the pile of everything else I suffered. Constant ultamatums, double standards, and even a mantra she wanted me to repeat "It's all about her". Not anymore. I anounced my frustration on my social media page. I have since taken it down as it has already cost me two friends. One who I know is strongly on J's side as it's J's best friend.

The other was a long time family friend who tried to use tough love to get through to me. Unfortunately that always backfires. Always. I lose friends who do that to me. I need someone who can ask "What happened?" "What are you feeling?" and not attempt to invalidate my feelings. So I've needed to reign in my ego a bit. Losing 2 friends in as many days. Another step in the shedding of an old life.

I'm concerned about M. She's extremely stressed and anxious about my visit with V next weekend. M hasn't been able to fully wrap her head around my lifestyle yet. I'm worried that our relationship may be having an adverse affect on her. I want her to do what's right for her. I care for her deeply. I dare say I feel I'm in love with her and could see us being really good together. But that doesn't mean I'm write for her. I can accept that if that comes. It will hurt... but I will perservere.

I am very excited about my visit with V, but I've been careful to let that on, as I know this has an affect on M. I can subdue my excitement. That's not a problem for me. She doesn't owe me compersion.

I haven't heard from N in over half a day now. I hope that she's ok.

I upset H by not telling them what's been going on in my life. In my attempt to give them space I've grown distant. And I hope to repair that with H.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Dark Knight Rises

I've fallen from my original format. I'm sure I'll return to it soon enough. Right now my thoughts are too... flighty.

Things with M are going well. I really like her energy and I feel like we're good for one another. She's taught me a lot about myself and I think she's learning more about herself as well. She wants to practice monogamy towards me. She wants to belong to me. I told her I'm fine with that if that's what she wants, but I still require polyamory. There's other people in my life that I want to hold space for and I don't believe that sexual and romantic experiences should be limited to just one person. Even now it's not true monogamy as we have a mutual play partner, N.

We have a tirad. I'm M's daddy. She's my princess and N is her Pet. N has referred to me as one of her two doms to her exes. She has used us to hide behind from the abuse she experiences on the daily. I'm glad I only live 2 houses down so that I can offer her a safe space. M wants us to play together only until she's more comfortable with the notion. In the meantime if N and I are alone we're allowed snuggles and massages/intimate touch but we're to chill with the touching anything wet. I think that's a solid way to put it. M is still working through her insecurities and jealousies and I'm grateful to her efforts and considerations. She has been amazing.

Lasy night N and M were aiming to play and do stuff all with me.... but it got strange. I actually felt left out and rejected by N. M was amazingingly atentative. However I felt like N was holding back and even not interested. At first my ego flared up. Having alcohol in my system and the timing with when I took my meds my anxirty started in on me and I had to get control of myself. N left and M walked her down. One of N's ex's decided to cause some drama. He left her around xmas last year. They're not together, but he feels like he should still have her attention and affections. He's been quite jealous of the time she spends here because he's not welcome here. This is a safe space for her to get away from him. M and I told her she needs to set her boundaries and if she needs help setting/enforcing them M and I are up to the task. N is a wonderful person and doesn't deserve his bullshit.

N told me that I'm an anomoly to her. She's never felt safe to say "No" or "I'm not ready" without someone getting angry or acting out. She has told me the way that I treat her, with respect and care, passion and tenderness, she said she's not use to this. I just hope I can hlep her see her worth so that she doesn't let other assholes walk all over her.

M and I have looked at the possibility of what living together could look like. We know it's early. But we've been spending a lot of time together. My only other concern is my solo poly status. I like the idea of having my own space to entertain. And I wouldn't want to ask her to leave the home for a day/evening or two so that I could entartain. I get my first opportunity of this (outside of M and N) with V next weekend.

I'm very excited to be able to spend some serious time with V in a comfortable and private environment. We will get a chance to explore what our relationship is and I'm looking forwards to just holding her and feeling her be close. We've been talking for months. We've only seen each other physically all of 3 or 4 times? And none of those did we really get the opportunity to explore the chemistry, but soon. She and I communicate daily which I thoroughly enjoy. I feel bad at times because I'm distracted with people here. I know she has others to talk to but she's on this lockdown with her neurotic family. She needs a much needed break away from them. We do a video chat at least once a week. I really like having V in my life and I don't want that to change. So I'm hoping we can make this LD arrangement work. Another reason why I like the solo poly idea. I've got to put some more thought into this.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Eagles - Lying Eyes

This week and most of last week have been interesting. My property management company of the unit I'm renting has been giving me issues lately. I feel like they might be trying to force me out? The unit is worth considerably more in today's market from when we started renting 6 years ago. The cap on the rental raise has kept this place quite affordable in comparioson to another unit of equal space and utility. I intend to hang on to this place for a long while yet.

I know I have failed to mention this in previous entries, but I'm a people watcher. Sometimes when I'm outside having a joint I will see people that I've seen before and I wonder about them. There is a particular woman I was curious about that I find very attractive. But there was never an opportunity to appraoch her. However, M and her are friends. We invited her over (N) and the three of us had a fantastic time together. Personally I hoped that a triad with the three of us could have been a thing, but M doesn't seem interested in that idea. But, N and I are attracted to one another. This may cause some rifts, it kind of has a bit, but I want to try and navigate this so that no one gets hurt and I don't want to come between two friends. And I don't want to lose M over this either. That being said, I think N and I would have good compatibility. I'm hoping to get to know N and if its in the cards pursue a romantic relationship. If at the very least I have made a cool new friend.

My psichiratrist has put me on a new medication for me and we will see how it goes. It seems to help with my focus and some of my motivation. The instuctions were to increase the dose gradually, so that should be interesting.

M and I had our first relationship challenge. But we made it through it. That just makes us stronger I feel.

In two weeks from this weekend I will get to spend some time with V. She's a LD relationship that I've been nurturing for sometime now. She wants us to spend some time together and I'm looking forward to it.

Right now J is here packing. They're moving out fully as of this Saturday. So much is changing and at times I feel overwhelmed. I am able to put on a mask and pretend to be strong. But inside I'm freaking out. I feel panicky. Part of me wants to go back in time and change the outcome to see what if..... but what's happening is necessary. We're not happy together. We have every right to pursue happiness and I think we were holding one another back.

It's a new chapter. Right? Well, soon. I'll have a blank page to begin a new part of my story. Just some of the things written before will bleed through the pages....

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: hum of the AC

The King: J is moving out by the end of this month. She plans to come and do more packing this Friday when she brings our son for his weekend with me. I'm hoping that he, M, and I can go for a walk or do something outside. I pray we have good weather. I still am interested in getting a hound. A friend was able to help get me a solid deal on a new sofa. That gets delivered this Friday. Slowly but surely this space is becoming mine. I need to make sure my money situation gets corrected.

The Warrior: I have been too sediment. Today I walked 2 kilometers. I need to try and do this daily, at least once a day. I cannot give in and let my depression and whatever else keeps me from doing what I need to. I have been trying to eat better still, but the alcohol and pop consumption has been quite heavy as of late. This is partially due to M's vice. Maybe that's comething she and I can work on. Cutting back the drinking. I don't mind have a nice Friday or Saturday night thing, but I'm not sure we need to continue doing it as often? At least I don't need to. I've gotta tighten up on my budget as well.

The Mage: The tower is taking shape. More of her things have been packed. I know there are parts of me that will miss her. Always... but its for the best. I'm able to express myself unchecked and unappologetically. I need to tighten up on my budget and make sure that my work is being done. I've had some fun with some purchases. All upgrades to my home. A new blanket, some new pants, some new games, a new counch, new cookwear, flatwear. I just need to make sure that I can provide for myself.

The Lover: Things with M are going well. She satisfies needs I never knew I had. The sexual chemistry is something I honestly wasn't sure I'd find again. The chemistry I had with J was really good. The chemistry with M feels like it could rival that! The other needs are of the caregiver role I am fulfilling. She looks to me for guidance and structure. Which in turn gives me the motivation to lead by example. Another relationship I have been fostering is with V. Things have become a bit more solidified. I look forward to spending an evening with her. I'm hoping the sexual chemistry is strong. V is a beautiful woman and she's also pagan. While M is new to the path, V already has some experience and it's nice to have her perspective. I've also reached out to S to see how she was doing. I really fucked up there. But my sexual desire for her began to wane. I wasn't going to be able to pretend or lie to her. I didn't want to hurt her more than I had. I think it's best that I just withdraw from her life completely.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Pennywise - Never gonna die

Relationships are hard. I had to end my relationship with S. I'm not able to be what she needs or devote the time and attention she deserves. I've been hyper focused on my relationship with M. I've been acting selfishly and S deserves better than what I can offer. I hate that I hurt her. I knew it would happen. My feelings weren't the same. I love her and I want the best for her.

The lockdown still is on. So options of going out and about are still slim. M and I are looking at a possible trip south. If the borders haven't reopened, we will have to do something.

Not much else has changed. My ex is coming this Friday to start packing some of her things. She found a new place. I told her that I loved her in a way that I have never loved another and that I hope she is able to find happiness. Because if she can, then all of the pain and turmoil I've had to endure will have been worth it. I mean that too. I want her to be happy, even if that means she's not with me.

I'm still interested in getting a puppy. I'm excited at the notion. However, if Mel and I end up living together.... 4 cats and 2 dogs. We might need another place just to make sure that we have room.

Life is in a weird place right now... but I know everything is going to be ok.

Current Mood: optimistic

I'm sad right now as I received the news today that the owner of the dog Finn has had second thoughts. That sucks. I could have taken him yesterday, but I didn't. Something told me to wait two days. I still wanted the dog, but I guess the owner decided she either wanted to keep him or based on the breif conversation felt that I wasn't a good match. Well, perhaos it wasn't and I accept that. I've processed my disappointment and will wait and see what opportunities may come.

Current Mood: disappointed

The King: The hag that lives in the dungeon below my tower is growing bothersome. She decided to tell me today that a dog isn't supposed to be in my appartment, because her lease says so. She can't seem to grasp that my lease says something different and it doesn't really matter what that piece of paper says, it doesn't trump the law that speaks contrary. Unfortunately she cannot grasp the notion of being wrong and thinks she has some authority over me and how I live me life. She has a rude awakening coming. She did say something that really bothered me, "Go get a job." I have a job. I work for myself. I'm sorry not sorry that I don't slave for corporate overlords to fit into some class based system in her loopy head.

Things at the dealership didn't work out. The lack of coordination to simply get an employee email set up was just too much stupidity for me to handle. It's difficult for me to have faith in a company to help me with my future when such a simple task eludes them.

The Warrior: I'm trying to make sure that I'm eating better. It's hard. Routine is ellusive and today was a write off. However, I have put forth an application to adopt a dog. I'm currently being considered for a young Beagle named Finn. I love the name too! Getting the dog will have me building a routine around the care for the dog and myself. For some reason I think it'll be easier to be responsible for something or someone else than I can be for just myslef.

I get to meet the dog today. I'm excited for this.

The Mage: I'm excited to have the hound as well. The connection between a man and their hound can be deeply profound. I hope this dog is the one. He's a Beagle coon-hound... which the warrior forgot to mention there's been talk of training the dog to track and learning archery with this new partner, and hunting. The notion is quite exciting to me. I'm also pleased to inform that I have made prorgress on the reclaimiung of my savred space. I'm doing more to prepare my home for the home it is going to be for me.

The Lover: My attention has been pin pointed on one relationship as of late. A lot of my focus has been on M. I feel like I should feel guilty, but I don't. This is something I need to ponder more.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Partially my therapist

I'm currently not enjoying the dreams that I am plagued with. One dream I can recall involved a fist fight with my biological father. Another involved her. I hate that I miss her so much. I'm ready to let her go and be done. She's done with me... I just want to be done with her.

I can't help but see how much I'm reminded of her with certain aspects of her. There are things and people in my life that just make me think of her. I hate it so much. I know it's unavoidable. I'm aware that this is part of the healing.

I still feel like I was discarded and given up on by someone I love. Some days are truly harder than others. Am I trully healing? Or have I been distracting myself from the pain and the healing that I need to suffer to trully be better? She made me want to be better. I wanted to do it for her. How do I learn to love myself to do it for me?

I'm allowing the sorrow, the pain, the resentment, guilt, and heartbreak engulf me. The life I had is done. It's gone. It will never be the same. I look forward to the day that I can just let it go. It has to come.

I've been packing her books, DVDs, and movies. I'm trying to claim my space and reclaim my sacred space. I buried so much of myself trying to be what she wanted me to be.

I'm a caregiver. For the last decade and more I had someone to help get ready for the day. To make breakfast for, to do things for. Now I'm supposed to do it for myself... but I'm not sure how.

Who am I? Who was I? What will I become?

Life is forever changed. My world and my story are not what they once were.

I need a dog.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Ozzy Osboure - Road to Nowhere

The King: The only thing I can focus on right now is maintaining my home and claiming my space. I've been packing her things to move them out of sight, It's easier to do this than to look at it all day. I was blessed to have some help from one of my partners. My partners are S, M, and H. Shake my head? No. S is very nurturing and inspires me to be responsible and accountable. She has been an amazing help. M is new, I'll let the Lover speak more on that, and H offers their support from a distance. Even though we should be practicing social distancing in these crazy times, I'm currently self isolated. With no one here it gets pretty lonely. So I see my partners when they permit it. I've a feeling things will change a bit on the isolation. As S is pregnant and her due date is rapidly approachiung. 9 weeks and counting. We will have to see how this unfolds.

The Warrior: I've returned to intermittant fasting. I'm managing to get two meals a day, but I need to get in at least two snacks as well. That will come. I also try and go out for a walk when it's not completely shitty out. The weather has been strange. I wonder with the world's population isolating themselves and businesses shut down if mother nature is using this to reclaim her mantle. Some of Gaia's Wrath would be welcome. I'd let nature reclaim me.

The Mage: I've a new student. Exciting times with being able to claim and reclaim space for sacred things. My altar is being cleared, cleansed and relocated. I'm creating a shrine in my living room to the Saturnian Goddesses I work with. I'm excited about this. I've 2 custom art pieces of Santisima Muerte and Hel respectively. Next is the Morrigan that I'm having my dear friend in Mississippi create. I'm really excited for this shrine. There is a state of Holy Death that I wish to order, along with three pieces of cloth that will be used to adorn her based on the aspect of her I am working with. I will eventually have all three aspects represented in time, but this will do for now. I'll need incense and altar candles, prayer candels, vessel(s) for offerings. It feels so good to be doing this and I'm excited to have M to experience it with me.

The Lover: Since J has asked for the separation over 2 months ago, there has been some changes. I couldn't bare seeing her as often as I did with the cold sholder. Teamed with my anxiety of saying something wrong, or a misplaced hand. I've only ever been her lover for the past 14 years, so I don't know how to be anything else around her when it's just her and I. I asked her to move to her mother's place. J told me that I shouldn't worry about her family anymore, they're not my concern. When she said that it hurt and further proves how inconsiderate and selfish she is. I'm not asking her to contact my daughter. Why? Because my daughter has been around J for 14 years of her 15 year life. J is a parent and my child is a child to her. Why would I interfere with them having a relationship? Well she thinks it's OK for me not to have a relationship with her parents. Fine. Cest la vie or what the fuck ever. I'll live.

M and S are both having some challenges with the lifestyle their chosen mate (me) lives. Both feel insecure and jealous of the other. All I can do is offer the reassurances and hold steady. My life is my life. I will live it for me and my children. If my lifestyle isnt's agreeable then it's an incompatibility that needs to be considered. While I do love S very much and I always want to be in her life, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm very much growing increasingly fond of M. I do feel that it is a romantic love, but there's something else there. The connection of spirit and soul. We have matching baggage and I've very much enjoyed telling her my stories and showing her new things. I know it's all new and exciting and in time, things may calm down, but the passion is undeniable.

Current Mood: content
Current Music: The hum of the passing traffic

The King: I'm continuing to report to work at the dealership. My credentials are still not all set up so I'm still effectively a gopher. While I'm prepared to give this position a serious try, the lack of getting stuff done on their end is part of the reason I left the first time. I don't like sitting in limbo waiting. I'm looking forward to my ex moving out. I do wish it was sooner than later but she and I both need time to get that all together. I've come to the conclusion that I'm done. I thought I'd want her to come to her senses and ask that we try and keep it all together, but now I cannot stomach the thought. I'm ready to move on.

The Warrior: Tired. I'm tired of routine not falling into place. It's hard when asked not to be around or not wanting to be around.

The Mage: *locked in his tower*

The Lover: My partners are great... but there's something I want and I'm not sure what it is. I feel restless. perhaps this is where I need to focus and let this just ride out. I don't dream much lately. I wish that I did. Would be a welcome alternative than this crap floating around in my head. Today I thought about death again.

Current Mood: blank

The King: I'm mentally preparing for the changes to come at home. The one who once held the title as my Queen is considering moving out once our son finishes school this summer. So I will be the Lord of my own castle. I'm finding my place at the dealership. I like the people here. I just want to make sure as I need to be financially independent. My other job, painting the miniatures is going well. Two happy clients last night. One re-hired me immediately. I'm happy that they're happy.

The Warrior: I broke my fast last night to have some appetizers and a drink with my date after our movie. It was really nice. I also had breakfast as I was starving this morning. I'm interested in joining a gym as soon as it's financially feasible.

The Mage: I've taken a step away from my chess games. They've become a distraction and I'm not able to properly focus and making terrible blunders. I know that there's an imbalance here and I will return to my studies. Right now my focus is on work.

The Lover: I had a wonderful evening with one of my lovers last night. I do wish I had more time and opportunity to see her. Tonight I get to see my other lover. These two women have been amazing with the support and affection that they have shared with me.

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Motley Crue - Same Ol' Situation

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Lindorm Odinsson

September 2020

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Page generated Sep. 9th, 2026 08:56 am

Lindorm Odinsson

Recent Entries

Update

So much has happened over such little time.

An Apology

I am not innocent

It's All About Her

I still hold tremendous anger

Waiting

I need to find more...

been a few weeks

Transition

Today is my Birthday

Life gets weird sometimes.

What next?

(no subject)

Well that didn't go as planned.

so much. . .

I do not like my dreams

It's been a spell